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重磅 | 哈佛大学优选华裔录取文书点评, 获得藤校青睐的关键在这里!

2022-06-20 |作者:KEY Education | 来源:大温家长会

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   随着炎炎夏日的正式到来,也宣告着距离北美大学早申开放也只剩下4个月的时间了。在KEY近期针对11年级家庭准备的专场讲座中,我们欣慰的发现很多家长都意识到了暑期提前准备的重要性,积极参与,踊跃提问。

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图源:https://unsplash.com/photos/390prguv56

 正如Bryan在讲座中提到的,由于每年的申请人数不断攀升,北美Top 30名校的录取竞争愈发白热化,与庞大的申请人数相对的则是各大名校持续走低的录取率。

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图源:https://www.crimsoneducation.org/ca-zh/blog/admissions-news/ivy-league-acceptance-rates/

 为此,想要从万千申请人中脱颖而出的关键则是打造一份独具个人特色的申请档案,而档案之中,能够将各项申请材料进行串联,生动形象将自己的优势呈现出来,从而吸引招生官注意的则是申请文书了,但是,究竟怎样的文书才能做到这些呢?

多年以来,KEY深耕北美教育领域,充分了解华裔家庭在申请北美顶尖名校时所遇到的困难和挑战。通过我们量身订制的申请方案,成功帮助无数华裔申请者展现自身的闪光点,从而顺利斩获藤校offer。丰富的经验让我们成为了北美大学规划领域的急先锋和佼佼者。

在去年申请季,KEY还收到了The Harvard Crimson – 哈佛大学官方校报的特别邀请,点评哈佛大学2021 TOP 10 录取文书中来自华裔申请人的一篇。

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图源:https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-2021/

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Bryan Ide

KEY Education

教育总监&合伙创办人 

– 毕业于加拿大温哥华圣乔治高中(St. George’s School)

– 康奈尔大学文学学士学位

– 哥伦比亚大学硕士研究生学位

– 曾任圣乔治高中招生官和奖学金面试官

– 曾任康奈尔大学位于加拿大BC省的招生主席

– 曾任UBC Sauder商学院( Sauder School of Business) 部门主管及校友联络网负责人

   接下来,我们就带您看看,这位华裔申请人是如何巧妙的设计文书,让招生官拍案叫绝的。

文书原文

Successful Harvard Essay – Nicolas

When I failed math in my sophomore year of high school, a bitter dispute engulfed my household — “Nicolas Yan vs. Mathematics.” I was the plaintiff, appearing pro se, while my father represented the defendant (inanimate as it was). My brother and sister constituted a rather understaffed jury, and my mother presided over the case as judge.

In a frightening departure from racial stereotype, I charged Mathematics with the capital offenses of being “too difficult” and “irrelevant to my aspirations,” citing my recent shortcomings in the subject as evidence. My father entered a not guilty plea on the defendant’s behalf, for he had always harbored hopes that I would follow in his entrepreneurial footsteps — and whoever heard of a businessman who wasn’t an accomplished mathematician? He argued that because I had fallen sick before my examination and had been unable to sit one of the papers, it would be a travesty of justice to blame my “Ungraded” mark on his client. The judge nodded sagely.

With heartrending pathos, I recalled how I had studied A-Level Mathematics with calculus a year before the rest of my cohort, bravely grappling with such perverse concepts as the poisson distribution to no avail. I decried the subject’s lack of real-life utility and lamented my inability to reconcile further effort with any plausible success; so that to persist with Mathematics would be a Sisyphean endeavor. Since I had no interest in becoming the entrepreneur that my father envisioned, I petitioned the court for academic refuge in the humanities. The members of the jury exchanged sympathetic glances and put their heads together to deliberate.

In hushed tones, they weighed the particulars of the case. Then, my sister announced their unanimous decision with magisterial gravity: “Nicolas shouldn’t have to do math if he doesn’t want to!” I was ecstatic; my father distraught. With a bang of her metaphorical gavel, the judge sentenced the defendant to “Death by Omission”– and so I chose my subjects for 11th Grade sans Mathematics. To my father’s disappointment, a future in business for me now seemed implausible.

Over the next year, however, new evidence that threw the court’s initial verdict into question surfaced. Languishing on death row, Mathematics exercised its right to appeal, and so our quasi-court reconvened in the living room.

My father reiterated his client’s innocence, maintaining that Mathematics was neither “irrelevant” nor “too difficult.” He proudly recounted how just two months earlier, when my friends had convinced me to join them in creating a business case competition for high school students (clerical note: the loftily-titled New Zealand Secondary Schools Case Competition), I stood in front of the Board of a company and successfully pitched them to sponsor us– was this not evidence that l could succeed in business? I think I saw a tear roll down his cheek as he implored me to give Mathematics another chance.

I considered the truth of his words. While writing a real-world business case for NZSSCC, l had been struck by how mathematical processes actually made sense when deployed in a practical context, and how numbers could tell a story just as vividly as words can. By reviewing business models and comparing financial projections to actual returns, one can read a company’s story and identify areas of potential growth; whether the company then took advantage of these opportunities determined its success. It wasn’t that my role in organizing NZSSCC had magically taught me to embrace all things mathematical or commercial — I was still the same person — but I recognized that no intellectual constraints prevented me from succeeding in Mathematics; I needed only the courage to seize an opportunity for personal growth.

I stood up and addressed my family: “I’ll do it.” Then, without waiting for the court’s final verdict, I crossed the room to embrace my father: and the rest, as they (seldom) say, was Mathematics.

中文概述

 Nicolas的文书以“与数学作斗争”为题材,讲述了他从抵触学习数学,到逐渐理解数学在实际生活中的用途,并欣然接受数学的转变。其中,父亲是影响这个心理转变的重要人物。Nicolas在文书中选用第一人称,将他与家人就“是否继续学习数学”这一话题以法庭辩论的形式呈现出来:Nicolas站在“原告”席,自己“上庭”面对“法官”母亲,而数学作为“被告”,由父亲为其代理辩护,Nicolas的两个兄妹组成陪审团。

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图源:https://unsplash.com/photos/38-rguv56

通过讲述他学习数学的心路历程,Nicolas引出了更深一层的话题:他与父亲的关系。

最初,他仿佛与父亲站在对立面。父亲期望他将来从事商业方面的活动,认为出色的数学能力十分必要。在整个过程中,父亲不断鼓舞Nicolas,利用他在“新西兰中学生创业竞赛” (The New Zealand Secondary School’s Case Competition) 中的出色表现,证明他学习数学的能力和数学的实际用途。渐渐地,Nicolas意识到,数学本身并没有那么难以攻克,他缺乏的只是抓住机会去提升自我的勇气。

文章以Nicolas与父亲的拥抱结尾,体现出Nicolas的成长:他不再抗拒学习数学,更重要的是,在与数学“博弈”的过程中,他认识到了自身无限的潜能,以及父亲给予他的无限的爱和支持。

KEY的点评
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图源:https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-2021/

然而,想要打造一篇如此优秀的申请文书并不简单,今天,KEY特别总结了历年申请者在撰写文书时所常遇到的挑战,帮助大家提前做好准备。

01

时间不够,仓促准备

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图源:https://unsplash.com/photos/81_rdfk_8Y

很多家庭在实际申请前,都以为申请大学只要完成一篇文书就够了。实际上,美国大学不同的申请系统对于文书的数量要求也不一样,以早申ED为例:

ED | AD 申请

Number of Essays  l  文书数量

Common Application Essay – 1

通用申请系统大文书

University of Washington – 3

华盛顿大学(西雅图)

University of California – 4

加州大学系列

Supplementary Essay – 1

通用申请系统小文书

抱着不把鸡蛋放在一个篮子里的想法,大多数学生都不会只申请1所大学,这也就意味着学生需要在11月30号之前,完成至少9篇文书。再加上还要参加SAT/ACT考试,留给文书的准备时间就更加紧凑了。如果前期进行活动的时候没有思考清楚,导致各项活动之间缺乏联系,找不到明确的主题的话,申请文书就更加难产了。

02

平铺直叙,选材没吸引力

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图源:https://unsplash.com/photos/84_rdfk_8Y

另一方面,在实际撰写文书时,如果仅仅是把自己做过的活动简单的罗列出来,往往只会让招生官读起来味同嚼蜡。因此,学生还需要根据文书题目找到最适合自己的独特题材,再熟练的将不同的写作手法(比喻,拟人,顺叙,倒叙,蒙太奇等等)加以运用,最后呈现出新颖的文章风格以吸引招生官的眼球。

 就像Bryan在点评中提到的,“数学”是极具代入感和共鸣感的题材,Nicolas以此为话题中心,将家庭关系形容成法庭上的各个角色,这一小小的写作技巧再加上恰到好处的题材选择,成就了整篇文章的质量和阅读体验。

03

主题的深度延展

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图源:https://unsplash.com/photos/17_skik_6p

如果你觉得满足这一层次的文书已经足够优秀,那么你可能距离常春藤级别的文书还相差甚远。换句话说,光有写作技巧和独特题材是远远不够的,真正能使文章绽放其独特异彩的是文章的深度和主题延展性。我们常说,一篇好的文章不仅仅是在诉说有趣的故事,还展现出学生们的世界观,价值观,人生观;把最好的自己展现给大学。

就像前文提到的,“数学”本身已经足够能引起共鸣,因为数学是很多高中生的通病。但是Nicolas将话题展开,提高了主题延展性和内容深度:从“数学成绩”出发,延展到了“家庭”,“亲情”,“父爱”,“自我认知”等一连串的话题。点评中Bryan也清楚的提出:Nicolas的成功在于他挖掘出了深刻的题材并连接到了个人生活的方方面面,以便于展现他的个人特点和想法。而这,也成就了这篇文章被哈佛大学看中的事实。

前招生官教您文书写作秘籍

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文书是大学申请最令学生头痛的材料之一,许多学生在实际要下笔时,才意识到过往的经历与目标申请的专业难以展现出高度的吻合,又或是面对各校不同文书题中排山倒海的要求,无法抓住其中的关键考察点,导致偏题。为此,KEY将特别针对11年级开设专场讲座。

在讲座中,Bryan将从招生官视角出发,全面分析最新的文书题,运用实际案例为您解读文书答题的关键和误区,手把手教导您写出一份令招生官过目难忘的文书,请下滑了解更多讲座资讯。

★ 2022-2023 大学申请系列线上讲座 ★

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#4 – 如何写出让招生官眼前一亮的申请文书

在本次的直播讲座中KEY将探讨以下主题:

1. 美加本科申请时间线与材料要求

2. 如何获得强而有力的推荐信

3. 最新文书题型解析

4. 文书写作技巧与误区扫盲

5. 精选名校录取文书分析

适合人群:

目前11年级的高中生

日期&地址:

温哥华时间 2022 年6月24日(周五)

zoom 线上讲座

活动流程:

7:00 – 8:30   主题探讨

8:30 – 9:00   Q&A

添加客服好友加入线上讲座群

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2021 – 2022 KEY 大学录取榜单

1名

Babson College

1名

Barnard College

1名

Bates College

1名

Boston College

3名

Boston University

1名

Carnegie Mellon University

1名

New York University

1名

Northwestern University

1名

Southern California Institute of 

Archetecture

1名

Syracuse University

1名

University of California Davis

4名

University of California Irvine

1名

University of California Los Angeles

2名

University of California San Diego

1名

University of Hawai’i

1名

Univeristy of Iowa

1名

University of Oregon

1名

University of Michigan

1名

University of Southern California

2名

University of Washington

2名

McGill University

2名

Simon Fraser University

5名

University of British Columbia

3名

University of Toronto

2名

University of Victoria

1名

University of Waterloo

3名

Western University

1名

York University

1名

Concordia University

 1名

Durham Univeristy

 1名

University College London

(持续更新中,更新于2022年5月1日)

共49份大学录取通知

fungo


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